The rules of dating have changed, but our desire for stability and having our needs met hasn't. People often become frustrated because they don't know where they stand in a relationship. Defining the relationship is an important step, a fact which unfortunately doesn't make the whole process easier. You might feel anxious about expressing your feelings, fear rejection, and lack courage. While your emotions are justified, it doesn't mean that you should avoid the DTR talk.
Relationship experts give us all the advice we need to initiate the talk, navigate through it, and decide what to do afterwards. Read on to find out more!
DTR From A to Z
1. Why is it important to DTR?
Defining the relationship refers to clarifying your needs, wishes, and desires. This talk is a way for both parties to express the way they see the relationship, their views on commitment, exclusivity, and emotional involvement.
Culturally speaking, the general tendency is inclined towards long-term, monogamous relationships. However, they are not suited for everyone. So, defining the relationship isn't always about shaping it according to the classic model. More and more people focus on reaching relationship agreements that cater to their needs.
The DTR talk could be about two people who desire to become exclusive, continue their casual relationship, or stay friends with benefits. What's important is for both to agree on where they want things to be headed.
2. When should you define the relationship?
Experts agree that there's no such thing as perfect timing to have the DTR talk. Your decision should be based on your feelings. It shouldn't be based on the fact that, for example, your friend had it after one month of dating. We don't open up at the same time. Each of us has his or her own process.
Even so, therapist and life-coach Tess Brigham advises us to wait at least two to three months before initiating the DTR talk. This is because it takes 66 days to develop and form habits. Moreover, rehabilitation is done over a period of 90 days. In other words, you need this much time to get to know the person you're seeing well enough, to observe how the two of you interact, and to analyze your feelings towards him or her.
3. Are you truly ready?
The danger of having the DTR talk too soon is that you may overlook essential details about your desired partner. In time, arguments about fundamental principles may occur. If you don't know your potential boyfriend or girlfriend well enough, you might be surprised to find out unpleasant details in the future. So, make sure you are into this person, not drawn by the idea of having a steady partner in general, or a specific kind of connection independent of the particularities of the guy or girl you're seeing.
How to define the relationship?
1. How does he or she make you feel?
Ask yourself this: Does your love interest make you feel overall happy or uneasy about certain aspects? People tend to initiate the DTR talk when they need some kind of insurance that their feelings won't get hurt. In addition, they may do so when stagnation occurs.
Think about why you want to define the relationship.
2. What do you want exactly?
After giving the point above enough thought, it's time to ask yourself another question. What do you want from this relationship? How do you want things to change? Are you in love head over heels or do you want a platonic relationship?
As soon as you outline your needs and desires, it will be much easier to talk about them with your prospective partner. You should be very specific in order to avoid misunderstandings or communication problems. If you are too vague, you leave room for interpretation.
3. Are you prepared for every outcome?
In order to even begin the DTR talk, you must be prepared for every outcome, including rejection. Regardless of what your proposal is, the person you're dating can say no. He or she might not be on the same page with you. We are not putting the negative scenario first. Nevertheless, you must be prepared.
Think about what you'd like to do. You could move on and find the right person suited to your needs, or you could continue on different terms. No matter what you decide, try to stay calm, don't turn the talk into an argument, and keep your disappointment to yourself. The last thing you want to do is make the other person feel judged.
Specialists advise to take some time apart and re-evaluate your relationship if you don't have the same views.
4. How do you break the ice?
Because you don't want to freak out the other person, you should start the conversation in a pleasant way. If you begin by saying "we need to talk," you'll most probably trigger a few defense mechanisms in his or her head. Your approach when it comes to this sensitive subject matters a lot. Recommended phrases to use are "I want...,," "I feel…," "I would like..."
Also, make sure you pick the right time and place to have this conversation. Think ahead, don't just blurt everything out while taking a perfectly enjoyable walk or when your special someone is having a bad day.
5. Can you reveal your vulnerable side?
Your ability to show vulnerability is crucial when learning how to define the relationship you're involved in. People are generally terrified to say what they feel and what they want unless they're almost certain the other person wants the same things. Otherwise, being vulnerable could be perceived as truly terrifying. However, in your case, talking openly about your feelings and needs is in your best interest. Even if the conclusion is in your favor, at least you will have tried to achieve your purpose.
6. Do you know how to listen?
The DTR talk isn't only about you. Your part is to express your feelings, needs, and desires, but also to ask questions and listen. The hardest part for you might be to confess you'd like the status of your relationship to change. However, you should also consider that you need the patience to listen. You need to ask questions to figure out what your special someone thinks and wants.
Speaking of questions, experts advise us to ask open-ended questions. More specifically, questions that require a more elaborate answer than "yes" or "no." Your purpose is to find out where he or she stands as well. Examples are "What do you think?", "Where do you stand regarding…," or "What does a relationship mean to you?"
7. Are you flexible enough?
Let's say your discussion went well and you both agreed on new relationship terms. Congratulations! For now, you are both on the same page. Even so, things can change along the way. That's why you will have to keep an open mind and be flexible enough to discuss the terms again if they require any change.
Summary
Terrifying as it may be, the DTR talk can go smoothly if you approach it well, give it enough thought, express your raw emotions, and are prepared for the worst. Don't be afraid to say what you want or look elsewhere if your current situation doesn't allow it.